Getting Back to Basics

Life continues to be overwhelming.

I've really needed to talk to my dad recently about coming up with a better plan of action for caring for my mother, and also making sure he's getting some help and support around this.  And I wanted to be clearer of the ways in which I am capable of helping and the ways that are just too painful for me.  He's, understandably, avoiding the conversation, so I sent him some of my main thoughts and concerns to which he's not had really much of a response to yet.  It kind of sucks to need your parent to be present with you through some tough stuff; but then to be faced with a parent who's stretched so thin they've got nothing left to give you.  Is this what adulthood is?  Are you an adult when you're on the same emotional level and need to support your parents as much as you need their support?

I feel frazzled.  I'm finding it hard to juggle even the things that bring me joy.  I'm finding it so difficult to really focus or work as quickly as I used to.  I'm really enjoying a graduate class I'm taking (Advanced Physical Activity and Health...I'll talk more about it some other time) but it's hard for me to carve out the time I need to do the readings and writing assignments.  And it's stressful to have to run directly from class twice a week to either go to or work at a Weight Watchers meeting--and the class ends just late enough to make me consistently a few minutes late to both, yet these are all things that bring me happiness.  And I've just gotten a second position with Weight Watchers to put in another 5 or so hours a week helping members through the web or phone.  And I'm really excited for that--I'm really excited to be helping members more directly and I love that Weight Watchers launched the extra support.  If there's one thing I believe in, there can never be too much support in our lives.  It's just starting to feel like a little much.

Karate has been tough.

(Long story, short version: the dojo I originally joined closed and a good handful of us moved to training with one of our Sensei's Senseis.  It has been great and wonderful and fun and exciting and sad and frustrating and humbling and probably a lot of other things.  Karate was something that came into my life when I was at a very low point, fearful of an abusive ex who had been harassing me; when I felt particularly weak and beaten up.  I turned to karate in the hopes it would help build up my esteem (it did) and confidence (it did) and would just provide me with a beautiful and peaceful physical outlet for some of the rage held inside of me.  What I didn't expect, but have treasured dearly, is that karate would also help me deal with a difficult world; to be able to face some scary things with a prepared and accepting attitude; and to always search for the positivity in everything and be grateful for lessons learned from our challenges.  And to meet and love some pretty amazing people.) 

Karate is a very emotional experience for me.  It means a lot to me, and practicing it, especially practicing with my partners in the dojo, can really open me up emotionally.  Sometimes, when I'm in a particularly difficult space, I find it nearly impossible to get to the dojo.  Not because I don't want to be there, but because my deep sadness and rage is bubbling to the surface and I know going in there will unleash it completely.  The nights I don't go are usually the nights where I'm not 100% certain I can get through the class without breaking out sobbing or losing my patience and temper altogether and walking right off the floor to prevent myself from screaming at someone (especially my Sensei!) In the emotional state I've been in recently, I've not trained for a little over a week, and am not certain I'll be making it in tonight, either.  I'm keeping the option open, of course, but like I said, I'm feeling overwhelmed and have so much on my mind that I am allowing myself the option of not going for as long as I really need to not go, until I can re-regulate some of this stuff and be able to think clearly without 5+ different responsibilities rushing through my head.  As much as is possible, I've decided to simplify my life until my reeling brain calms down from its trigger-mode; until I feel more in control of my emotions than struggling with them.  I need to go back to the basics of my life and take on what I can, and put off some of the things that actually can wait a while.  I hope that at some point, when I'm a little (or a lot) more advanced a student, I will be able to better contain these emotions and train no matter what my emotional state is, and use it as a way to refocus and reground and feel confident that there will always be one thing I am capable of doing that I value, which also builds me up in the process.

Back to basics for me is something I'm going to concentrate on with my Weight Watchers journey as well; in fact, that's going to be my main focus for at least a couple of weeks.  Pulling out the old books; double-checking pointsplus values of foods; taking a better look at the good health guidelines (water, healthy oils, fruits and veggies, lean proteins, whole grains) and weigh and measure out everything I think I know the measurements of.  One thing I've already realized is that I was accidentally counting my daily cereal a point less than what it's worth! So, it's paying off already :)

Sometimes, eh lots of times, the healthy life journey feels totally overwhelming.  There are so many ways to make our diets better and our workouts complicated.  We have to decide what type of diet we want; then think about the best sources of our food; organic? inorganic? hormone free? free range? gluten free? low carb? high fiber? fresh or frozen? low fat? no fat? healthy fat? eating after 7pm? running in the morning or wait until the evening? high reps, low weight? or high weight, low reps? zumba or yoga? track my food on paper or my smartphone? workout in the morning, or get a full night's sleep instead?  Sometimes it's nice to tackle all of the minutia of the entire healthy lifestyle, but if it starts to feel unmanageable then cut it back to the basics until you reset and get excited about the minutia again.  Know what you're eating and how many calories/pointsplus values it is; track everything you eat and drink; get moving whenever you can, however you can; get to a meeting.  This weekend I went back to my basic 30-minute cardio routine and 3 sets each of push-ups and crunches.  It's not what I usually do, and it's not usually enough to make me feel great, but when you're totally flooded this is how you stay on the boat.  Enough with the fancy stuff, take some of the pressure off and re-build.