My grandmother, being as insanely strong as she is, miraculously recovered from what we were told was a point of no return. They were able to stabilize her enough to get her through a risky surgery. She now has a colostomy bag, which is unfortunately not the most pleasant of ways to spend your last years of life, and we're concerned about her trying to rip it out, but we're just taking it one step at a time. Much like building a healthy life!
This was a really emotionally exhausting week for me, and really could have easily derailed me health-habits wise. After having begun to grieve over my grandmother Thursday and Friday, as I stepped into my driveway to head to work Friday morning, I was startled by a man examining my car, who then rudely and abruptly told me I was not allowed to park in my driveway, but had to make sure I pulled my car entirely into our yard (some of which is paved for a car.) It was obvious he was nitpicking for the sake of being difficult, I guess he has some anger projection issues, but nonetheless that is not a great start to any day, let alone a day I was trying to get a hold of my bearings again. I *somehow* managed to not engage in the anger and just got into my car and headed out, then noticed he had also left a note on my car to the same effect. After having been through the emotional wringer and sleep deprived, I was already on an emotional ledge and my encounter with this man at hardly 8:30 in the morning on my property, a space in which I should always feel safe and in control, touching my car, finally pushed me over into a full-blown triggered state. After my traumatic experiences of being in a relationship where I had no control; rarely felt safe especially in my own environments; being constantly told what I could and could not do/say/wear/think/feel/etc..., I do not take kindly to white men entering my space with rudeness, anger, and a sense that he has the right to control me in any fashion. And once I saw the note on my car, reminiscent of the many notes my ex would leave on my car in a desperate attempt to win back my attention in the moments I was able to escape from his physical presence, I sort of snapped. As I began driving, the rage built inside of me so quickly and intensely that I couldn't envision getting through the day without lashing out in anger at someone else or myself. I needed a physical outlet. So, I went back home, packed a bag, then drove to the White Mountains in NH and went for a very, very, long hike. Alone, which is exactly what I needed.
The physicality of pulling myself up a mountain helped get some of the adrenaline surging in my veins out, though it still took hours of sweat and hard breathing to get back to a manageable state. The trail I chose to hike was basically one that climbs along the path of a waterfall. It was quiet, few people were hiking that day, and as I sat at the top of the waterfall watching the water cascade over the rocks I was reminded of how strong and in control I actually am. I sat and reconnected with nature and took inspiration from the never-ending flow of the water. No matter how many rocks and falls the water must pass through, it never stops. It keeps flowing. It's journey is often re-routed by obstacles in its path, just as obstacles in our lives re-route our planned paths, but it adapts instead of giving up. It doesn't stop flowing just because trees and boulders and animals get in its way; it just flows around them. You can use that analogy to talk about many aspects of life or to talk about life in general, but I'm going to use it here as an analogy to my weight loss journey. I've encountered many rocks on this journey that I've sometimes allowed to stand in my way or use as an excuse to not succeed in pursuing healthy habits, but with time I've learned that we have to be more like the water. There is never an opportune time to lose weight. We often put it off until life's "easier," "calmer," "less stressful," until we have "more time to focus on it" but really what we're doing is allowing the rocks to stand in our way. Life is full of obstacles just as the mountains are full of rocks and trees and really muddy spots that you don't want to step in and get your feet all gooey and your boots all muddy. But life is what it is. Whatever is challenging you in the moment will pass and life will definitely throw you other challenges along the way that may feel like derailment, but it's just a detour. And sometimes you find beautiful things you'd never have found without overcoming whatever obstacle is thrown at you. My point, I guess, is that we always have choice along our journey, even if the choices available to us aren't easy ones. You can get around the rock by moving to the left, or moving to the right, or you can sit on the rock for a very long time and stay stuck where you are instead of continuing along your path. All of those options are valid ones and you always have the choice to sit on the rock for a while, but if you choose to sit on the rock, do it with purpose and intention. Do it because it's the best option for you in that moment and not because you perceive it as an impossible block to your weight loss success. And whatever you do, don't allow it to force you back up the mountain. The only thing that can reverse the work you've done up until that point is yourself. If you're finding it impossible to move forward with your weight loss then just stand still for a minute and hang on to the habits you've developed along your journey thus far. Don't throw the towel in completely just because you've encountered a rock. Don't allow a rock become an excuse to escape in food; to give up on being active; to give up on yourself and your ability to succeed at weight loss. A rock is just a rock; there are ways around the rock and you have to believe you are capable of getting around it when you are ready to. When things are particularly difficult, there can actually be solace in still being able to hang on to the love and compassion we should all have for ourselves. And when things are particularly tough, that is when we need to take care of ourselves the most.
After this week I wasn't sure what to expect on the scale at my meeting last night. I knew behaviorally I had stayed on plan, though I did indulge in a couple of beers (both accounted for points-wise; it IS possible to indulge and still stay on plan!) Before I got on the scale, I reflected on the positive things I had done to stay on plan during the week and was happy with my behaviors, and decided before I got on the scale that even if it wasn't a good weigh-in, I was still on the right track and it would even out eventually. I was pleased to see that I went down 0.8 lbs. Like many of our members, I did have the fleeting "that's it?" reaction, but considering the stress of the week, I decided that the loss was actually pretty decent. We'd all like it to come off instantly, but that's not how this journey works; not if you're doing it right.
This post is a little heavier on the trauma issues than other posts will be, but I think it's important to realize and point out that weight loss isn't an isolated issue to tackle separately and independently. It is a journey that is threaded through each aspect of our lives. We have hundreds of choices to make every day about food and activity and how to work that all in no matter what life looks like in that moment. Life is what it is; it will throw you what it's going to throw you; the only things you truly have control over are your choices. And you should always strive to make choices that are good for you and empower you; you'll need the extra strength and confidence to climb over or around your rocks.
Happy hiking on your own respective paths.
This week's weight: 182.6
Change since September 10th, 20014: -0.8 lbs
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