Today marks a new start for me on my weight loss journey. I'm a 5'5" white female, age 28, and in 2008 I weighed 235 lbs. Thaaat was...a lot, for me. With Weight Watchers, I lost 86 lbs, bringing me down to 149, which put me in a healthy weight range according to the BMI! (technically, I was one lb lighter than the maximum weight for my height!) That was something I had not experienced since I was 5 years old. That is a long time to be stuck in the overweight (and most often, the obese) category. It felt amazing to get there.
I reached this healthy weight (roughly March, 2012) at exactly the same time that it felt like my whole world fell apart. I had been in an abusive relationship for a couple of years and, after finding out that on top of the abuse he had been cheating on me in one of the most despicable ways, I finally found the strength (which felt far from strength at the time) to leave him and be able to resist his many psychotic and abusive attempts to bring me back into the relationship. After months of harassment, fear, rage, a harassment charge, a restraining order, his suicide, and the continuing battle against the resulting PTSD, I find myself 34.4 lbs heavier than that amazing 149. My healthy weight range felt like a tiny blip on the larger timeline of my life, and I felt/am feeling quite disheartened. I'm disheartened that something I treasure so much, something I truly did for myself, something I was insatiably proud of had been taken from me. Except that it hadn't. My weight loss journey is not something that anyone can take from someone; it's an internal experience and once I remembered that, I realized that I actually still am, and always was, in control of my health habits. I can focus on putting the blame on him for causing the trauma that led to poor coping skills (drinking and smoking, which led also to drugging myself with food to ease the pain) or I can re-focus. I can decide to take back control of my body and my choices. I can remember and be fueled by the knowledge that I know this is an attainable goal because I have obtained it before. I can focus on the fact that I'm still 51.6 lbs below my start weight and that's an incredible achievement; that despite how unbelievably difficult and tumultuous the past couple of years have been, I've still hung on to what I could, done the best I could, and never gave up on myself and my weight loss.
I'm starting again, as I have many times before, today. That's the thing about weight loss--it's often perceived as something that you either achieve or fail at; that it's something that has a beginning and an end. The truth is, weight loss, weight management, hell just managing your health overall, isn't about the goal. It isn't about the number on the scale. It isn't about the size of your clothes, it isn't about how long it took you to get to where you wanted to be. Why? Because this is a journey that has no end. Goal setting is a tool (and a damn good one!) that we use along our journey, but setting an ultimate goal implies that there is some sort of end to the efforts we make while trying to lose weight and build a healthy lifestyle. This isn't about getting to a final destination where we no longer have to put effort in; it's about making peace with the fact that this is life-long work, and it's about finding the ways in which we can do that work AND enjoy the process of doing it; because if you aren't enjoying it, you won't continue to do it. This journey is much more about living in the moment than it is about the anticipation of getting to some final state. It's about recognizing that you want to live a healthier life for the sake of living a healthy life. For the sake of feeling good emotionally, physically and psychologically. For appreciating, treasuring, respecting and acknowledging that you and your body are just as worthy of the love and care you show to others. It's about building a better relationship with yourself, learning to love yourself, and having faith in your ability to lead the life you want to live. It's about feeling good about your decisions and behaviors in the moment you are making them, not simply because they are going to help you reach whatever you have set your goal to be, but because they're decisions that nurture your body, mind and soul. They are decisions that are healthy and kind to yourself. They are decisions that remind you on a continual basis that YOU are in control of your body and your life. If you just focus on those things, and not so much about the numbers, the results will follow on their own. The clothes become smaller; the number on the scale decreases; your blood pressure, cholesterol, depression, anxiety, just about everything gets better, including your confidence and self-esteem. And who doesn't want all that?
So, today starts a new journey for me. Or perhaps more accurately, it marks a moment in my journey where I'm finally finding my way back to the path I intended to walk before life threw me a detour. I'm mindful again that I deserve to treat myself and my body well, and I am taking a judgement-free step back in the right direction. And ultimately, I hope I will inspire others to realize that this is a possible thing. This is attainable. And it doesn't have to be painful. In fact, it can actually be fun and is absolutely rewarding.
Much love and support to you all, and myself, as I find my way back to my life-path. I hope you enjoy the journey as much as I intend to.
Today's weight: 183.4 lbs
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